Review: Princess of Mars (2009)

The short answer – rent this only if you’re looking for a movie to laugh at drunk, especially if you’re a fan of Burroughs.

Marine sniper John Carter (Antonio Sabato Jr.)…

gets transported to “Mars” in the Alpha Centauri system (which I have to admit is a nice save by the screenwriter, our Mars being frigid) by teleporting him on a flash drive(!)

Whereupon he is beset by “Tharks”…riding “thoats”

Yes, somebody thinks this is a Thark.

And somebody thinks this is a thoat.

Eventually he meets a miscast Traci Lords as Dejah Thoris (and I suppose I’m a Lookist if I mention she has the wrong hair color and is the wrong age for the part.)

Morestuffhappenstheend.

Doesn’t look like anybody even bothered to read the book before doing the movie – the “Tharks” had radium rifles, but they don’t have the exploding bullets.

And the sets look like whatever they could get for cheap (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if you’re going to do a movie from a book that a lot of people love, you should at least try to get some of the detail right).  Overall, the production feels like it was put together for pre-sales to Asia rather than a labor of love for the filmmakers.

And – Dear God –  John Carter has a Tramp Stamp…

“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.” – The Wedding Crashers