Archive for December, 2009

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Oh, noes…

December 31, 2009

Back to specifying when the Rapture happens…

(I hereby swear or affirm that the above screen capture was performed by me on 12/31/09 at 7 PM CST)

http://home.flash.net/~evt/rapture.htm

UPDATE: I’m so done with these guys — go there today, February 1, and see that they’ve moved the rapture date to April 1st. They don’t need me making jokes for them when they’re so good at making jokes of themselves.

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Review: Princess of Mars (2009)

December 31, 2009

The short answer – rent this only if you’re looking for a movie to laugh at drunk, especially if you’re a fan of Burroughs.

Marine sniper John Carter (Antonio Sabato Jr.)…

gets transported to “Mars” in the Alpha Centauri system (which I have to admit is a nice save by the screenwriter, our Mars being frigid) by teleporting him on a flash drive(!)

Whereupon he is beset by “Tharks”…riding “thoats”

Yes, somebody thinks this is a Thark.

And somebody thinks this is a thoat.

Eventually he meets a miscast Traci Lords as Dejah Thoris (and I suppose I’m a Lookist if I mention she has the wrong hair color and is the wrong age for the part.)

Morestuffhappenstheend.

Doesn’t look like anybody even bothered to read the book before doing the movie – the “Tharks” had radium rifles, but they don’t have the exploding bullets.

And the sets look like whatever they could get for cheap (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if you’re going to do a movie from a book that a lot of people love, you should at least try to get some of the detail right).  Overall, the production feels like it was put together for pre-sales to Asia rather than a labor of love for the filmmakers.

And – Dear God –  John Carter has a Tramp Stamp…

“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.” – The Wedding Crashers

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Review: The Road

December 26, 2009

(PHOTOSHOP) Not that kind of Road movie…unfortunately.

What better way to spend a pleasant Christmas Day than to see a movie, yes? Too bad I picked a loser.

Adapted from a novel by gifted typist Cormac McCarthy, The Man (Viggo Mortensen) takes up the Herculean task of keeping his moronic son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) alive after an unspecified apocalypse.* The Man feels like the sort of fellow that would have been a political Vegan back before the world ended – the kind of father who wouldn’t let his child play games that reinforced patriarchal sex roles and encourages his kid to call him “Papa” . Yes really, he gets called that by his whiny child all the way through the movie.

They walk South, almost weaponless, trying to find a better life.  As they do this the Boy acts as if he has a learning disorder, making LOTS of noise in the cannibal-infested outdoors, falling asleep when he’s supposed to be guarding the camp, and carrying toys and crayons (!) around in his backpack, rather than stuff he really could use, like a knife, a compass, or anything more practical. I kept expecting Viggo to go off on the Boy (which he finally does, close to the end of the movie) instead of enabling the Boy like he does through most of the film.

Finally, the Man dies (and I don’t care if I’m spoiling this for any one – this movie deserves spoiling) and with the luck only the Movies can provide, the Boy meets up with another survivor family, who have to take up a not a little bit of screen time trying to convince(!) the Boy to come along with them. Oh well – we go to the credits before the Boy has time to expose his new family to the cannibal hordes on the first night.

I can see why Viggo took the role – he’s kind of a badass in most of his movie parts, and this lets him show he has range. Fair enough. Now that you’ve accomplished that, go back and make some more badass stuff.

* The film sort of implies that the apocalypse was nuclear. My problem with leaving this kind of unstated is – if it was a nuclear holocaust, The Man is really stupid, as he’s first waited from the birth of his child to until the kid is about ten to actually move along, encouraging the kid to call him Papa all along, and then makes sure he walks through all the places that were then hit with nuclear weapons.  Wouldn’t it have been smarter to avoid all the irradiated areas completely?  And if it wasn’t a nuclear holocaust, why was most of the infrastructure of civilization destroyed?  Apparently all books with practical skills are missing, as nobody can even find a Boy Scout handbook. Also, all the animal life on at least this continent is supposedly gone – how precisely, did the Man and his bitch of a wife survive with a growing child for about ten years without gathering food of some sort.  I think the LDS are supposed to hold 2 years of a supply – how did the Man do it, without moving way before the Boy got to that advanced age?

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Looks like the rapture guys are wising up…

December 25, 2009

(Screen grab taken 12/25/09 at 10:45 AM CST)

When making predictions about when the world ends, be vague!

http://home.flash.net/~evt/rapture.htm

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Review: Avatar

December 20, 2009

Just a quick one, as everyone and their dogs have reviews…

It truly was Dances With Wolves in Space – or maybe, What if Native Americans had Superpowers

I was glad to see some logic in the script (letting aside why the atmosphere of Pandora needed to be poisonous to humans – didn’t seem all that necessary, unless it was a way to make Cameron’s script different, or for that matter, why a human needed an avatar in the first place, if they’re only going to shock-&-awe the place eventually anyway?)  The Green/Liberal agenda all over the place in the film, of course.

Worth seeing for the effects, it goes without saying.  But one of the friends I saw the film with had the pithiest comment (I’ll summarize visually)…

Is this a game-changer (better objectively)…

Compared to this…

Simply because the former can be viewed in 3d?

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Not so funny now…

December 20, 2009

From all over the web, it seems…photo of a poster at Ft. Benning.

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Har!

December 20, 2009

In light of the Copenhagen summit…

Via Samizdata.